How To Cope With a Difficult Mother’s Day

This year, Mother’s Day falls on Sunday, May 12. Typically, it’s a day filled with joy honoring the women in our lives who raised us and show us unconditional love. Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone for a variety of reasons. For some, it’s a reminder of loss and not having that figure anymore in your life. And for others it’s a reminder of never having that figure to begin with. Regardless of why the holiday may be difficult to celebrate, you’re not alone in your experiences. As the holiday inches closer and the negative feelings begin to stir, remember that there are ways to cope with the pain that may arise.

Coping With Loss While Celebrating

If you’re someone who lost your mother, the holiday is especially painful. You may have lost your mother at an early age and the day might serve as a reminder that you no longer have time with them. You can’t create more memories together and maybe they never witnessed all of your successes in person. The first Mother’s Day is always the hardest. Allow yourself to grieve and cry. Also, take the time to reminisce on the positive stories about your mother with your loved ones.

Even though some people find solace in solitude, there’s comfort in leaning on your community, especially those who knew your mother. Leave room for laughter without guilt. Learn about what she was like when she was younger if you can. And most importantly, take the time to just talk to her. Whether or not you believe in an afterlife, a sense of peace comes from believing that she lives in you. She’s always with you, walking beside you, watching your wins and picking you up when you’re down. Just know that she’s listening.

In practicing both solitude and surrounding yourself with community, you’re able to make a somber day into one that’s filled with endless love. The Mother’s Days to come in the future will continue to be hard, and you might not find a purpose in celebrating. Yet, there’s something special about taking the time to honor the woman or women who brought you into this world and shaped not just you but the lives around them.

Coping With Strained Relationships During Mother’s Day

Some people don’t understand that just because you have a mother doesn’t mean you have a great relationship. Not everyone’s mother is their best friend. And that’s okay. Having a strained relationship with your mother or “mommy issues” are, unfortunately, very real and normal. At the same time, “mommy issues” range in severity. Regardless of how bad they are, it hurts to not feel excited on Mother’s Day. It’s sad to go on social media and feel like you can’t genuinely celebrate your mother to the rest of the world. That said, you have the power to make the day special to you and the women who you’re grateful to have relationships with. And you don’t owe the world any of that joy.

Allow yourself time for reflection, instead of sitting in sadness or jealousy. Ask yourself what are the things you desire in a mother-child relationship, and if there are ways you can contribute to making it better. Consider family therapy or even learning about your mother’s relationship with her mother. Chances are she likely struggled in forming a relationship with her mother. By opening your perspective to that relationship, it’s possible that you might begin to humanize your mother.

Some things are unforgivable. At the same time, mothers, like us, are human. And all humans are flawed and prone to make mistakes. Take the time to consider what kind of mother you do and don’t want to be, if you want kids. Use this as a learning and growing experience, rather than a reminder that you are navigating a strained-relationship. Allow yourself to have hope in mending said relationship if that is what you need. And if not, give yourself permission to distance yourself. It’s your right.

Motherhood Looks Different to Everyone

At the end of the day, motherhood and the journey to motherhood is different for everyone. Some of you may be struggling to conceive and become biological mothers. On the other hand, some are grappling with how to equally mother a child that isn’t biologically theirs. And some women simply don’t want to be parents. No matter what you’re navigating, motherhood is more than a position: it is a state of being.

Over the course of my life, I have been blessed to call people mother-like figures, in addition to having a wonderful biological mother. Being a mother is about loving unconditionally, being protective, guiding those that come after you and always rooting for their success – even when they fall down.

Mother’s Day looks different for everyone, and this year it might mean giving yourself grace. Rather than dwelling on what you don’t have, remember the people in your community that you do have. Take the time to acknowledge the women who shaped you into the person you are today. Continue loving others. And be the mother figure to someone that you might not have fully gotten.