Everyone I know has had issues with pick-up truck drivers on the highway. Just a simple search on Reddit will have you up till 2 am in the morning laughing and crying from stories about pick-up truck bullies.
I’m not sure what happened but the modern humble pick-up truck (used for workers and blue-collar men) has metamorphized into a big bully on the interstate. These new super-sized trucks are giving the “average joe” a false sense of power. And to make matters worse, the people driving these massive trucks are using that power to intimidate others. Road rage and vehicle intimidation is a thing and to be frank, I’m sick of it and their aggression and it’s time for someone to call them out.
Dear Pickup Truck Bullies, I’m putting you on blast,
We get. We see you. You are strong and we know judging by your truck you are an All American. We know you like to drink your beer (a man’s beer). You like your wings cooked perfectly. You enjoy flats, because like you, they are meaty–not too hot nor too spicy–you are the buffalo kind of guy or gal.
We know the real reason why you purchased a Ford F 150. You ain’t foolin’ nobody, with your fragile feathered ego. You needed a testosterone booster because bench pressing and mastering muscle-ups were something your beer belly refused to associate with. We know it is the soft suburban man behind the wheel, tailgating close behind, with their lights on bright.
All the failures you had in high school are bubbling up on the surface now. Sarah the blonde bombshell turned out to be the wife from hell, Bertha Mason. I’m sorry, I would hate to be married to a debt-collector too.
It is you. The All-American Trumpster, while Trump is no longer in office, you continue to trample down the highway spewing aggression and wasting gas while trashing the environment. We know for a fact you didn’t buy that truck to do anything substantial, like construction, or landscaping. Steve, you don’t have a roofing company nor do you provide mobile detailing for cars, you don’t have that type of job.
You bought this truck to blow off steam from your undeveloped manhood (warped ideas of masculinity). Anybody’s chest can get a little bigger when they are driving a super-sized heavy-duty “truck”. I wonder why is it that we never saw Steve Jobs or Elon Musk drive a pickup truck? Do they understand that power comes from resources other than brute masculinity?
You have that pick up so you can man spread down the hallway, and prevent people from passing, or chasing people that “challenge your manhood”. What is it this time? Will a middle finger come with a side of obscenities?
You can’t handle the truth!!!!!!
I think it is time to tell the truth about who you are and what you really represent. Most pick-up drivers are bullies, plain and simple.
You are underperforming in this thing called life. Who wouldn’t be mad? I mean I would too if I was spending $70.00 every time I pumped gas. And I would be heated if my pick-up didn’t fit in my tiny drive-way next to my wife’s minivan. I mean you live in a fancy suburban neighborhood, let’s be honest, it’s not that fancy. You live on a quarter acre of land. We know that if you were having trouble on the side of the highway. You’d be helpless because no one actually likes the bully or respects the bully, we just don’t want to deal with your unnecessary aggression during traffic hours or when there is no traffic at all.
But… I hear you, Jake!!!! I would be angry too. Do me and all Americans a favor, take those black sunglasses off, change your cotton t-shirt, and grow your hair out a little, if you can.
Instead of fishing on the weekends, why not go to the gym or coach little league baseball, and be a better member of society. Grow a Beard, because that’s hot. Driving like a lunatic and scaring women is not. Listen, it is time to own it. You aren’t an All-American, you are an All-American loser and everyone knows it. Don’t get mad, become Biden Better.
Making driving safe again,
A fake spokesman for the DMV
Photo cred: FourFour, Unsplash