I’ve Never Been in Love
And why you probably have never been either…
By: Cherisse Cannon
My Whole life, I wanted love like how I saw it on TV, or like how my parents made it look, or how it always had a fairy tale ending in the movies. The problem was, the love I saw on TV was always perverted by infidelity or scandal, my parents divorced, and the fairy tale ending movies only showed a man relentlessly chasing after a woman he was madly in love with, who constantly trying to get away from him, which became a little creepy as I got older, (not sure how I felt about having a man stalking me because I wouldn’t love him back). Up until adulthood, I unconsciously had this skewed vision of what love was and thought that fighting, arguing, infidelity, and not giving anyone their space was what love was. As I grew, I always said, “I want someone who’s not going to do that to me” or “My man has to give me, or be this and that, otherwise we can’t work out.” Not once did I mention what my part would be in love but always what the other had to do for me for it to be love because of my damaged view on what love was shown to me as child.
As an adult, I’d go from relationship to the next I realized that I’d never really been in love. I know that sounds horrible right? One could ask, “well if you weren’t in love then how were able to get married” My answer, I was doing it ALL wrong. Once I began getting closer to God, I learned about the truth behind love. I was always taught, “God Loves you,”” Jesus loves you,” and “for God so loved the world.” So I knew God loved me, I k new he loved me I just didn’t exactly know how. For a lot of my early years under Christianity I dragged myself constantly trying to earn God’s love, I mean that was the ultimate love right? Once you have that then you just HAVE to know what love was right? After being heartbroken, let down and disappointed on so may occasions where I thought it was love, I started my voyage to find out what exactly love was and why I never truly partook in it. Good news, I started at God. After I got past trying to be this perfect person to earn God’s love he allowed me to realize that his love doesn’t have to be earned because he freely gives it. What’s paid must be earned not what’s freely given.
Back to our favorite childhood scripture, “For God so loved the world, he GAVE…” Let’s stop right there, it was because he loved that he gave! Light bulb! There I was sitting in my Kia Sportage having a freaking revelation! Because he loved, he gave which meant to me that love was always meant to be the act of service, which explains why I’d never really been in love because all this time I had been selfishly walking into all of my relationships. All this time I thought love was what the person could do for me and how they can make me feel physically and emotionally. The truth is, I’d never really been in love because I never went into a relationship looking to serve someone. Love gives; it doesn’t just take all time. The person serving me and giving to me may have had love and knew how to express it but we weren’t in true Christ like love because I did not give anything on my end I didn’t serve back. I was truthfully, very selfish. That’s why I’d never been in love, because I went into it looking to be served rather than submitting enough to the truth that to fully be in love I had to be willing to serve. That’s probably why you’ve never been in love either. Do you wake expecting a good morning text from your significant other? Is it always your way or the highway? When they fail to meet your unrealistic couple’s goals expectations do you fly off the handle? If so, I challenge you to ask yourself is it really love that you’re offering or a deep liking and infatuation centered around codependency and your selfish desires? I know better next time, have you learned? In all that we do we desire to be like Christ right? Even when it comes down to being in love, we must learn love God’s way and the first step to doing that is learning to give, to serve, to make someone’s life a little more enjoyable by truly loving them like God loves us! I want to leave you with a couple of reminders on what love looks like and encourage you to assess your love life based off of what I include below.
1 Corinthians 13:3-7 The Message (MSG)
3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Romans 12:9-13 The Message (MSG)
9-10 Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.